Gossip! Lol :D

Next time someone starts to spread gossip, think of this:  One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "philosopher , do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" Wait a moment," philosopher replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," philosopher continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." "All right," said philosopher . "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," philosopher continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. philosopher continued. "You may still pass the test though,because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really..." "Well," concluded philosopher , "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason philosopher was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato (his student) was having an affair with his wife. Moral: It's good to gossip sometimes !!!... :-)

Hopeless Case..

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years
they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of
their marriage.

   Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband
watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as
though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said: "This is
what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

   The husband thought for a moment and replied:
   "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I go fishing."

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.


When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."


The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
'But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers fromEdinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


Don't mess with Seniors!!!

Cricket Diplomacy

Funeral - Excellent one

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba)
arrived from the US . It was sent
by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in
it when they opened the lid;
they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha ,

I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated
in the compound of our
ancestral home in GUJARAT .

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of
Tobler chocolates and 8
packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There
are also 2 pairs of shoes
for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.

Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is
wearing the necklace, earrings
and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Smita.

PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling
too well now a days.

This horoscope makes more sense :D

Haircut of the year

The four laws of projects.....!

They are Searching for ME!

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'

 

Daily LIfe Cartoons

Performance Vs Position

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs The God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED'

"It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.":)

Best joke in a competition organized in Britain

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

( This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain )
 

Only GOD can understand us!!!!!!!!

Swarg k dwar pe 3 log khade the.

God : Sirf 1 hi andar ja sakta hai....

1st : Main Brahmin hu, sari umar aapki seva ki hai. Swarg pe mera hak hai....

2nd : Main Doctor hu, sari umar logo ki seva ki hai. Swarg pe mera haq hai....

3rd : Maine IT MEIN JOB KIYA HAI.... ......

God : aage kuch mat bol.... Rulaayega kya pagle..? Andar aa ja......... Tera forwarded mails, follow-ups, bench pe 2years, night shifts, PM se panga, CTC se zaada deductions, pick-up drop ka lafda , Ladki na milne ki frustrations, client meetings, delivery dates, week ends mein kaam etc etc…. mere ko senti kar diya yaar…..aja jaldi andar aja….

Dilbert : Cartoons@work

That's Indian....Lazy but not dumb

An Englishman and an Indian are sitting next to each other on a long
flight.

The Englishman is thinking that Indians are so dumbthat he could put one
over them easy.

So the Englishman asks if the Indian would like to playa fun game.

The Indian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The Englishman persists saying that the game is a lot of fun.  "I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.
Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$500," he says.
This catches the Indian's attention and to keep the Englishman quiet, he
agrees to play the game.

The Englishman asks the first question.  'What's the distance from the
Earth to the Moon?'

The Indian doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the Englishman.

Now it's the Indian's turn.  He asks, 'What goes up a hill with three
legs and comes down with four?'

The Englishman uses his laptop and searches all references he can find
on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the Indian and hands him $500.  The Indian pockets the $500 and
goes right back to sleep.
The Englishman is going nuts not knowing the answer.  He wakes the
Indian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
comes down with four?'

The Indian reaches into his pocket, hands the Englishman $5 and goes
back to sleep.

Appraisal letter..

हमेशा   की   तरह  10 बजे   ठुमकते   हुए  office आया ,
11 बजे   तक   नाश्ता   किया   और   बारह   बजे   तक  mail ही   पढ़   पाया ,

हमेशा   की   तरह   आज   भी   मुझे   आलस   आ   रहा   था ,
और   मेरा  PM मुझे   तिरछी   निगाहों   से   देख - देख   गुस्सा   रहा   था ,

मैं   बड़े  concentration के   साथ   एक  "Careful" mail पढ़   रहा   था ,
तभी   देखा   मेरे  PM ke नाम   का   नया  mail कोने   मैं  blink कर   रहा   था ,

फिर   कोई  training attend करनी   होगी , ये क्या बकवास है ,
क्या  reply मैं   लिख   दूँ   की मेरे mailbox का उपवास   है ?

मैंने आँखें बंद की और 10 bar "om" "om" bola,
और प्रणाम karte huye मैंने वो मेल खोला ,

PM के   इस मेल मैं एक अजीब सा सुकून और भोलापन   है ,
likha है भाइयों appraisal letters आ गए , अब तो one -to-one hai,

मॅन मैं ऐसे बुरे बुरे ख्याल आ रहे थे ,
ऊपर से कुछ लोग मेरे "de-appraisal" की गन्दी affwah उड़ा रहे थे ,

PM को letter लाते देख हर कोई use देखता जाता है ,
जैसे mallika के किसी नए गाने को देखा जाता है ,

आखिर वो वक़्त आया ,PM ने एक एक kar sabako ander बुलाया ,
जो भी अंदर जाता हँसता हुआ जाता ,
जो बहार   आता , मुरझाया  hua aata,

बहार आ कर इंसान संभल भी नहीं पता है ,
की " कितना हुआ kitna मीला " हर कोई उसपे टूट जाता है ,

किसी एक को appraisal मैं 2000 rupaye मिले   थे , मैं   उसकी   हंसी   उड़ा   रहा   था ,
तभी   मैंने   देखा   मेरा  PM इशारे   से   मुझे   अंदर   बुला   रहा   था ,

मैं  confidence से   उठा   और   आगे   कदम   बढाया ,
तभी   मेरी  belt का  buckle टूट   के   नीकल   आया ,

मेरी   हालत   तो   अभी   से   ही   बुरी   हो   गयी ,
साला   इज्ज़त   उतरना   तो   यही   से   शुरू   हो   गयी ,

मैं   अंदर   पहुंचा   और  PM ने   मुझे   बिठाया ,
उसने   मेरा  letter पढा   और   वो   हंसी   रोक   न   पाया ,

वोह   इतना   हंसा   की  usse आंसू   आ   गए ,
क्या   मेरे  appraisal digits usse इतने   भा   गए ,

जैसे   ही   उसने  appraisal letter मेरी   तरफ   बढाया ,
मेरी   आँखों   के   आगे   घनघोर   अँधेरा   छाया ,

मुझे   लगा   जैसे   मेरे  dil की   दीवार   को   किसी   ने   गोबर   से   पोता   है ,
अरे   यार  " बीस  rupaye" ? ये   भी   कोई  increment होता   है  ?

ये  software indusrty है , अखाडा   नहीं   है ,
ये  "SALARY INCREMENT" है  , दादर   आने - जाने   का   भाडा   नहीं   है ,

मेरे चारों   तरफ   कलि   घटा   छायी , तभी   मेरे  PM की  soothing आवाज़   आई ,

तुम   सोच   रहे   होगे   के  company mgmt का   दिमाग   फिर   गया   है ,
पर   बेटा   हम   क्या   करें  , dollar का  bhav 2 rupaye जो  gir गया   है  ,

पर   फिर   भी   मुझे   लगता   है , ये  letter fake है ,
मुझे   तो   लगता   है   ये  printing  mistake   है ,

तुम  HR मैं   जाओ , और   ये  confirm करके   आओ ,

भाई  HR मैं   जाने   के   लिए   तैयार   होना   पड़ता   है ,
वही   तो   ऐसी   जगह   है   जहाँ   सुंदर   लड़कियों   से   पला   पड़ता   है ,

shitt!! जहाँ  "Renuka " बैठी   है , आज   वहां बैठा  "Aftab" hai,
मैं   समझ   गया   बेटा , आज   अपना  luck ही   ख़राब   है ,

उसने   मेरा  letter खोला , और   खुश   हो   के   बोला ,

वो   बोला  sir आप   के   लिए   खुशखबरी   है ,
आप   के  letter ने  "Printing mistake" पकड़ी   है ,

मैंने   कहा  boss अब   देर   न   लगाएं  ,
और   मुझे   मेरा  actual amount बताएं ,

sorry sir ये  mistake just by   एक्सीडेंट   है ,
बीस  rupaye नहीं  , दो  rupaye आप   का  increment है ,

मैं   क्या   करूं   आप   को   ये   बताते   हुए   मेरा  dil   रो   रहा   है ,
पर क्या करें dollar का भाव   भी तो कम   हो   रहा   है ,

मैं   बस   वहाँ   खडा   था  , कुछ   समझ   नहीं   आ   रहा   था ,
मुझसे   ज्यादा  increment तो  security वाला   पा   रहा   था ,

मैंने   खुद   को   संभाला , खुद   को   उठाया  ,
मैं   लौटा   और   सीधे  PM के   पास   आया ,

मैं   सीधा   उसके   केबिन   गया   और   दरवाज़ा   खोला ,
इस   से   पहले   की   वो   बोले , मैं   ही   उस   से   बोला ,

sir ये   पैसे   वापिस   ले लीजिये , बात करना फीजूल है ,
मैं गरीब हूँ , पर भीख   नहीं   लेता   ये   मेरा   उसूल   है |.